Blessing #198 - Healing Up

Thank you so much for your kind words after Thursday's post.  Honestly, it was a rough day for me, and your words and comments meant so much.

One of the things that bothered me about the whole thing was, "How could people be so mean?"

Friday, as I was talking to a friend, I had a moment of clarity. You know an "aha moment" as Oprah would say.

When another mother hears about what happened to Collin, it is very scary to her even though Collin is not her child.  My friends that are mothers, all reacted very strongly when they learned of the accident.  As mothers, when we hear of something sad and scary happening to a child our knee jerk reaction is, "Wow that is sad and scary." Which is immediately followed by the thought, "Could that happen to my child?"

That thought, "Could that happen to my child?" is very scary for a mother.  It is a place where no mother wants to go.

The mothers that don't know me, don't allow themselves to go to that scary place.  Their knee jerk reaction is, "Wow that is sad and scary." Which is immediately followed by the thought, "That mother must be negligent and stupid."  That may sound mean, but by blaming the other mother, they protect themselves.

They think, "Of course, that could not happen to my child.  That was just a "bad mother" and I'm a "good mother" so I wouldn't let it happen. No, my child is safe, and that could never happen."

 By vilifying me, those mothers protect themselves from going to the place of, "Could this happen to my child?"

Does that make sense? It really helped me. As a mathematical person, my brain works step by step.  When I see a problem like, "How can other mothers be so mean," I have to solve it, and this solution works for me.

 That realization made me realize that their anger is not about me at all. They are just trying to protect themselves, and I can understand that.

Shad solution is just, "People say stupid things at stupid times because people are stupid."  Typical man, doesn't he know I have to analyze things!

If Collin's accident happened ten years ago, I would have handled very differently.  I probably would have written a post filled with Christian cliches, and just told myself to be strong because that's what people expect.

However over the past ten years, I have realized the importance of not hiding my feelings or just trying to be tough.  I have to process through things and not just stuff them down. In the long run, anger, fear, and sorrow always catch up to you if you don't deal with them, and they seem to have a way of growing when you don't deal with them.

Sometimes as Christians, we feel the need to be strong or make big displays of our faith in times of crisis.  However, I believe it's okay to be sad. It's okay to say, "This is tough," or "This stinks." If you don't believe me, just read the Psalms.  They are filled with David expressing his true heart to God, and sometimes it's not so pretty.

That's why when I first read the comments, I had no trouble admitting how much they bothered me, and how tough it has been dealing with Collin's accident.

This weekend, after my "aha moment," I could tell I was on the upswing.  My mother load of guilt started to lighten. It's just easier to talk or think about the accident, and my heart seems to be patching up!

Writing really helps me process through things. Thank you for listening. Thank you for not pushing me and giving me time to work through this. You don't know how much y'all have helped me through all this.

Curse #52 - Reading the Comments

When we become mothers, we somehow find a way to make all our children's problems our fault.

When a child falls and splits her lip on the coffee table (like I did), the mother thinks, "If only I didn't have a coffee table."  (30 years later, and my mom still has not gotten another coffee table.)

When a kid gets a cold, the mother thinks, "If only I had wiped down the buggy at the grocery store."

When a teenager fails a test, the mother thinks, "If only I had breast fed one year instead of six months."

Guilt is just a part of motherhood.

Ever since Collin' accident, I have been working through a mother load of guilt.  As I watched him on the ventilator in the hospital, the "if onlys" screamed in my mind.

If only I didn't go to work that morning.

If only I didn't use the laundry organizer between my washer and dryer.

If only I didn't switch detergent.

If only I had seen the news report about the danger of the pods.

Fortunately, I have some really good friends and a really patient husband that have helped me as I work through this.

After the accident, I contacted our local news in an attempt to get the word out about the pods just to make other mothers aware because I wasn't.  I've been talking with them about doing a story, but to be honest, I'm terrified.

It's one thing to open yourself up to your friends, but it's another thing to open yourself and your mother load of guilt up to the world.

My mom contacted her local news in Georgia, and they ran a quick follow up story as they had done a few of the Tide Pods stories.  I have only watched the story once because it is just too painful for me right now.  You can see the story here.

Once the story was done, I thought that was that, but yesterday someone brought this article to my attention on The Stir which had a link on it to the news story that was picked up by USA Today. 

Look at those stories, but more importantly read the comments.  Today, I made a big mistake and read the comments on both stories.

It's like a train wreck that you just can not not look at.  (I realize that's a double negative.)

With each, "How could she?" and "What was that mother thinking?" my mother load of guilt grew exponentially.  (Note to self: Never, ever read the comments again.)

Often as mothers we are quick to judge.  Maybe by pointing out and judging the faults of other mothers, we feel like a better mother ourselves.

My son had an accident, and I could be eaten alive by the the guilt and the if onlys running through my head, but where does that get me? Guilt accomplishes nothing, and stops me from being the great mother I know I am.

However, there is one "if only" I am listening to.  "If only I had known," and that is why I talk about the accident.  My purpose is not to get Tide to stop making the pods, but to make a mother aware.

I know if I had seen a story about the danger, I would not have bought the pods or brought them into my house. As hard as it is, to open up about the accident and as ugly as the comments can get, I know there are mothers that still don't know about the danger to their children.

Dear fellow mothers, next time you start to judge another mom, please stop and think before you do. Raising children is not a contest.  Let's show each other a little grace. 

Blessing #195 - Lessons from the Accident

Collin,

Over the past two weeks, I have sat down to write a post about your accident many times, but I just couldn't get my words.  My heart is still a little sensitive and raw. Finally, I just decided to write a letter to you.

Someday, you will be older, and you will forget all about your accident and your time in the hospital (or so they tell me).  Someday, this will just be a story that we tell to you like how you always hold your gator tail side up, or like the time you hit the complete stranger in JoAnne's fabric. (Yes, you did that just last week, and I had to apologize for you.)

But for now, while it is fresh on my mind and my heart, I thought I would share a few lessons you could learn from your accident.....other than the fact that all doctors are now evil in your eyes.

1. Let people into your heart and life.

Now, I don't know what your personality will be when you grow up, but right now, you don't really like people.  That's okay! I was the same way when I was your age.  I didn't like anybody besides my mom.

As much as you may want to keep people at arms length, you really need them.  In a difficult time, you need people to come around you, love you, and help you through it.

While you were in the hospital, I felt scared, frustrated, guilty, and many other emotions, but one thing I never felt was lonely thanks to all of the kind words my friends sent me.

2. Your brother loves you very much.

As tough as he tries to be, and as cranky as he can be, Brandon really loves you.  He's the one that found you and ran and got Shad.  I saw the look on his face when I came home, he was so protective of you.  On Sunday, someone asked Brandon at church how he was doing and he said, "I'm just keeping a really close eye on my little brother."

There may be days when he doesn't act like it, but I can guarantee you, your brother loves you very much and you a very lucky boy to have him.

3. Your daddy loves you very much.

The second night we were in the hospital, I tried to get some sleep because I hadn't slept in two days.  Your dad, kept vigil over you all night with the nurse even though you were under anesthesia.

Everyone that walked in the room would tell him.  "You don't have to do this. No one does this." Shad told them that I wouldn't rest unless I knew you were taken care of, and that was true, but the real reason was he just loves you that much.

The very next night in the hospital, your dad went to the Ronald McDonald house to try to get some rest.  As soon as he left, you started screaming, "I want my Daddy!" Well you didn't really scream more like a loud whisper, it was just a few hours after you came off the ventilator and out of sedation, but you started to panic as soon as he left.

After twenty minutes, of "I want my daddy," I called Shad and told him what was happening.  Before I knew it and without me even asking, your dad came right back and spent the rest of the night with you and I.  He never complained and never acted like it was a big deal.  He figured you had been through enough, and if you needed him, he was there.

During your time in the hospital, I watched him stroke your hair and tell you he loved you.  In your worst episodes, when I was pacing at the end of the bed, your dad stood right beside you, holding your hand.

4. I love you very much. 

Oh Collin, I can hardly type those words without tearing up.  I always knew I was crazy about you, and I always knew I loved you, but I never really knew how deep my love was until your first night in the hospital.

On that first night, you had a few scary episodes making it the worst night of my life, by far.  If you had just stayed sedated, everything would have been fine.  However, you are such a fighter, and suddenly you would come out of sedation and try to get the breathing tube out.

During one of those episodes, I stood and watched helplessly as you turned purple.   It seemed like the world went in slow motion as the nurse tried to help you.  I turned around only to see the room flooded with doctors and nurses there to help.  In that moment, I think I forgot to breathe myself.

A few hours later, you did the same thing, but this time your heart rate dropped really low.  Again, the room flooded with doctors and nurses.  As I sat staring at the heart monitor praying for your heart rate to go back up, my own heart ached with in me.

The morning after that terrible night, I felt pain like I had never felt before. I felt nauseous. My whole body ached. I couldn't eat. Seeing you in so much pain and distress killed me.

Collin, that night I realized just how much my heart is tied to yours.

Since that night, I keep catching myself just staring at you and Brandon smiling, and whispering a prayer of thanks.  Even though your wild, rowdy, and loud, you are perfect just for me.  What a gift God gave me when he gave you boys to me.

Someday, you will grow up, and I might get on your nerves.  You might even think I am "uncool" (I know that sounds crazy doesn't it).  No matter what you may think about me someday, please never forget there is no one on this earth that loves you as much and as fiercely as I do.

5. God loves you.

This is what I hope you see the most through your accident, that God loves you.

As I sat on the ambulance taking you to the children's hospital, I was overwhelmed by God's love for me. I know that sounds like an odd time to feel God's love, but I really did.

In that moment, I realized that God was preparing me for this accident three months ago.  I've never had poison control's number, but the doctor made me put it in my phone in December.  In that ambulance, God seemed to whisper in my heart, "I was with you in December and I am with you now."

There are so many other little things where I believe God was preparing the way for me even before I knew what was going to happen.

Colls, someday, when you are ready, I pray that you will come to know God.  Not that you would just ask God to save you, but that you would seek to have a relationship with Him too.  I want you to have more than just church, religion, and rules, I want you to have God and His love.

There are going to be days when life gets dark, and you will need to know God's love.  God will not be some kind of magic genie that makes all of the dark days better, but He will be your lifeline and friend that will walk with you through those dark days.

Colls, I love you more than I even thought was possible, but amazingly God loves you even more than I do.  Better yet, somehow he loves me that much too!

 Collin, I am so glad you are doing better, and if you need me to make the lessons from your accident even simpler, please never ever forget how much you are loved.

Blessing #192 - Two Favors

If you are friends with me on facebook, you know that we had a scary weekend.  Collin tried to eat a Tide Laundry pod, and ended up in the ICU on a ventilator. 

Writing really helps me process through things so I will probably write several posts about this (I apologize ahead of time, but writing helps me work through my feelings.)

Before I tell the story or say anything about the accident, I just wanted ask you two favors in this post.

First favor, if you have children DO NOT have the Tide Laundry Pods in your house.  I just switched over to the pods a month ago, and I wish...I WISH I had heard the warnings of how dangerous the are to children.

Maybe you are thinking, I should have realized how much the pods looked like candy, and known not to have it in my house.  You are probably right.  Maybe you are thinking that I should have had them up high and out of his reach.  You are definitely right.

I have no trouble saying that I made a mistake.  Normally, I am very cautious with medicines and cleaners.  Just last month, I bought new medicine containers and reorganized my cabinet to make it more safe for Collin.  I keep all my cleaners on a high shelf in my pantry and not under my sink.   However, the one thing I kept within his reach was the laundry supplies.  They stayed in a drawer in an organizer in between my washer and dryer.

Rather than judging me for my mistake, please learn from what happened to me.  Throw the pods out of your house.  Don't even bother putting them on a high shelf. Just throw them out.

Collin does not put things in his mouth.  He's just not mischievous like that....Oh, he's mischievous in other ways, but not like that.

I didn't see it before the accident, but look at these pods.

 

They look just like a gummy candy.  Look at the container they come in. 

 

The container has a flip lid kind of like the containers in my lunch station.

I really belief if a child got a hold of laundry detergent, they would realize it tasted bad and stop eating it.  I think Collin bit plastic gel exterior of the pod and it exploded in his mouth.  One day, I squeezed one as I threw it in the washing machine, and it popped and shot all over my face. I belief Collin bit it and it popped, and he really couldn't help ingesting the detergent.

Also, the detergent in the pods is very concentrate and stronger than normal detergent and is more dangerous when ingested. 

Please, if you have children do not use these pods. 

Second favor, I have been a parent for six years, and I never knew the number to my local poison control....until December.  In December, during the boys wellness check ups, the doctor spoke with me and asked me all the basic questions. 

When she asked me if I had the poison control number, I told her no.  She had a magnet, but she said, "Why don't you type it into your phone.  That way you have it right there in an emergency."

Saturday, I remembered I had the number in the contacts and quickly called poison control.  I really didn't know what poison control did, but the lady that answer knew right away all the affects of Tide Pods.

"He looks fine," I told her. "He just coughed a little." The poison control worker paused and said, "He coughed? You need to get him to the hospital right away. He is going to get much worse within the first hour. Do you need an ambulance?"

 I told her we were leaving right away, and by the time we got to the hospital, his breathing was much worse and I knew she was right. The poison control worker asked the hospital we were going to and she called ahead to let them know we were coming. When we got to the emergency room we went right through.

That poison control worker showed me the seriousness of the situation, and I will always be grateful to her and the doctor that made me save the number. 

Today, please do me two favors and get rid of the Tide Pods, and call your pediatrician, find out the number to poison control, and put it in your phone.

 My little guy came off the ventilator yesterday.  I think it's going to be a while, but I think he is on the mend.