Curse # 42 - The Dreaded Question

Warning: Before you read this please note that I am sharing a very embarrassing moment.  I almost didn't blog about it.  In fact, I didn't even tell Shad about it until earlier today.  It's very embarrassing, but it is also equally funny.  Funny won out and I decided to share it with you.  I figure we are good enough friends by now that you won't make fun of me too bad.

There is one question every woman dreads hearing...

What is your age? --- nope

Would you please step on the scale? --- worse than that

Can I please see you license and registration? --- even worse

Saturday, I was in Home Depot getting some supplies for a project.  As I checked out, I started a casual conversation with the checkout girl.  Nothing big, just casual, "It sure is hot today," etc. Then all of the sudden, she says, "This may be rude...but...."

Now, right there was my first hint.  I should have know right there to stop her.  When someone you just met starts a sentence with, "This may be rude," I can assure you, it's not going to end well.  After the ominous introduction, she dropped a nuclear bomb on the conversation and said....

"Are you pregnant?"

I'll pause for a minute so you can gasp and say, "Oh no, she didn't!"

I'll wait......

Oh yes she did!

"ARE YOU PREGNANT?!!"

Who asks a stranger that?  Now I've mentioned before that my mind has a fifteen minute delay, and I'm not fast on my feet.  On further reflection, I have decided that if anyone ever asks me that question again I am going to try and make them feel as awkward as they make me feel (the golden rule of awkwardness).  I came up with two answers to this question that will do just that. 

1. shhhhhhh! The father doesn't know yet, but we are leaving for the Maury show on Saturday.  Fingers Crossed!

2. No, I'm just really bloated because I'm PMSing like a beast.  My husband calls it Psychotic Menstrual Syndrome because of my violent outbursts. BOO!.....Just kidding! I wouldn't REALLY hurt you...{whisper}....not really. 

Those answers would have been awesome, but because of my fifteen minute delay brain, I didn't think of them right then.  No, my answer was even more awkward than the question.

Checkout Girl: I don't meant to be rude, but....Are you pregnant?

me: No, it's the pants.

Seriously! What kind of an answer is that?  "No, it's the pants."  The checkout girl just looked at me and repeated back my answer, "It's the pants." Except, she didn't say it as a statement.  She said it more like a question with a giggle and an upward inflection at the end, "It's the pants?" At that point, I had to resist the urge to smack her.

How does she ask me that question, and I end up being the one looking like a moron?

I almost started to explain to her how I forgot to wear a belt that morning and my pants had been falling down giving me a bit of a muffin top...okay....a lot of a muffin top.  Then I realized that I really didn't want to discuss my muffin top with a stranger so I just let it go. 

However, I did carry the conversation on...

me: No, it's the pants. Besides, I'm buying spray paint.  I don't think that's the smartest thing to get when you are pregnant. 

Checkout Girl: Well, I wouldn't know.  I smoked when I was pregnant. 

I'll pause just so you can let that soak in. 

In a matter of seconds, this complete stranger asked me if I was pregnant and then told me that she smoked when she was pregnant.  This girl had a black belt in awkwardness.

How did her suprise confession make me feel?  Appalled? No, not really.  I drank caffeine when I was pregnant, and those that live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. 

Strangely, her confession made me feel relieved.  It made me realize this lady had no filter.  That little switch inside her head that says, "You shouldn't say this," was obviously not flipped. 

Yes, she insulted me, but consider the source.  She was sweet, but she didn't have a  filter. 

So let this be a lesson, if you see a woman that looks like she swallowed a watermelon buying a onesie in the baby section at Walmart wearing a tshirt that has "Got Milk" across the chest and she is lamaze breathing because she is in the middle of a contraction....even then....For your own safety, do not ask, "This may be rude, but are you pregnant?"