In my last Brandon related post, I talked about Winter B, the more mischievous seasonal counterpart to my sweet little son. Sometimes Winter B just wants to get in trouble. He’s just itchin’ with it. Sometimes he is up to no good. Fortunately, Winter B gives certain warning signals that he is up to no good. When I hear or see one of these signals, I know I need to act fast, or in about ten seconds there is going to be some stolen candy, a huge mess, property damage, or damage to Brandon himself. It may be odd to calculate these warning signals as blessings, but they help me stay one step ahead of my little guy.
1. If he walks into another room and closes the door behind him, he is up to no good.
2. If I enter the room, and he starts jumping up and down, that is him trying to act casual, that means he was up to no good.
3. If I ever ask him, “Were you being good?” and he answers me, “Yes,” while standing still, then he was good. However, if he answers “Yes,” while jumping up and down, that’s him trying to act casual again. Rest assured, he was up to no good.
4. If I walk into the room where he is, and before I can say anything he says, “ I wasn’t fill in the blank. “ He was up to no good. For example, I walked into the living room last week only to hear B say, “I wasn’t playing with the computer.” That means he was playing with the computer.
5. If I hear a chair sliding across the kitchen floor, he is up to no good and CLIMBING. That’s a terrible combination, so I need to get in the kitchen fast.
6. If I ask Brandon, “What are you is doing?“ and he clearly says, “Nothing.” He is being good. However, if he says ”Nuffin’,“ he is up to no good. I guess he is so concentrated on his up to no good-ness that he can’t enunciate well.
7. In the worst cases, I will miss the signals before he was up to no good. In these cases he gives a signal after the up to no good act, the preemptive apology . For example, when he was two, he walked up to the door of the bathroom while I was in the shower. He simply said, “Sorry for the eggs, Mom.” You can guess what I found when I got out of the shower.
8. If I suddenly, I hear really fast and really heavy steps, B was up to no good.
9. If he excessively says, “Mommy, I love you,” he’s up to no good. I know this sounds weird, but I promise it’s true. A few I love you’s is sweet, but a bunch of them means he’s trying to butter me up, and I start to get nervous.
10. If B yells,“Bus driver, move that bus,“ he is up to no good. Ultimately, he is thinking about his favorite part of Extreme Home Makeover, demolishing the old house, and he is about to act that out on my house.
***other signal phrases include “Demolition” “Demolition dervy” and “I’m a construction worker”
11. If he is in another room and he is quiet, this is the biggest signal of all. He is DeFinEtly up to no good.